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Host Ricky Gervais arrives at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on Jan. 15, 2012.
(Credit:Getty)
(CBS) Ricky Gervais returned as host of the Golden Globe Awards for the third time on Sunday, and he brought with him a new set of wisecracks.
In his opening monologue, he didn’t hold back, taking digs at NBC, Kim Kardashian, Jodie Foster, and even the Globes themselves.
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Take a look at some of his jabs:
His opening line? “So, where was I? Nervous? Don’t be. this isn’t about you.”
On the Golden Globes vs. the Oscars: “The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashain is to Kate Middleton … Bit louder, bit trashier, bit drunker, and more easily bought — allegedly.”
On Eddie Murphy’s style: “I love Eddie Murphy. he loves dressing up, doesn’t he?”
On Jodie Foster’s “Beaver”: “I haven’t seen it myself,” he said. “It doesn’t mean it’s not very good.”
On Justin Bieber’s parternity test: “The only way he could impregnate a girl is if he borrowed one of Martha Stewart’s turkey basters.”
Gervais said Golden Globes organizers gave him a list of rules this year. “This is real: no profanity, that’s fine — I’ve got a huge vocabulary,” he joked. “No nudity. See that’s a shame, because Iv’e got a huge … vocabulary, but tiny penis. It works, I don’t care. It’s fine. no smut or innuendo. or I’m not to libel any one. And I musn’t mention Mel Gibson this year.”
Gervais mocked first presenter Johnny Depp: “Have you seen ‘The Tourist’ yet?,” poking fun at the box-office results of Depp’s 2010 movie, co-starring Angelina Jolie.
Only 30 minutes into the show, Gervais told winners to keep their speeches tight, telling winners to avoid thanking everyone they know. “We’re already five minutes over,” he said. “Keep your speeches short … just do your main two: your agent and God … God and my agent have had exactly the same amount of input into my career.”
Gervais on HBO’s “Boardwalk Empire” and the Hollywood Foreign Press: “I love that show,” he said. “It’s about a load of immigrants who came to America about a hundred years ago, and they got involved in bribery and corruption and worked their way up into high society. but enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press.”
During his introduction for Golden Globe winner Madonna, Gervais made a comment about the singer’s 1980s hit “Like a Virgin.” The pop star had a quick return for the British host, saying, “If I’m still like a virgin, Ricky, then why don’t you come over here and do something about it? I haven’t kissed a girl in a few years … on TV.”
Gervais drops the F-bomb: The comedian didn’t follow his so-called “rules,” at one point dropping the F-word. NBC bleeped it out in time, so viewers at home missed it. Gervais appeared to have said that he couldn’t [bleep] understand what Antonio Banderas was saying to him backstage.
On Colin Firth: Gervais said glowing things about Firth, but then joked, “What you don’t know about him is he’s very racist … I’ve seen him punch a little blind kitten. please welcome the evil Colin Firth.”
On Natalie Portman having a baby last year: “Consequently she’s been nominated for nothing,” Gervais joked before calling her “pathetic.” Gervais said the new mom has learned a valuable lesson: “Never put family first,” he said. “Please welcome the very foolish Natalie Portman.”
Gervais’ final words of the night: “Hope you enjoyed the champagne and the goodie bag and the gold sprinkled on the dessert. Hope it took your mind off the recession.”
Watch Gervais’ opening monologue here:
Ricky Gervais takes jabs at celebs at Golden Globes
